has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
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Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
🤣🤣🤣
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Safety first
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.