Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
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I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit