Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

😂😂

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

#Caturday

Sorry. Not sorry

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you