Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
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If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
“TGIM!” – My liver
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.