Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
You Might Also Like
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Ha.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.