Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
How to walk around a museum
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then