Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

These are dark times.

~me, everyday at 4pm

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!