Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
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My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
sleeping beauty
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another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I’m going to need a moment here.
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Single and childfree like Jesus
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.