When you know your about to be spammed on #tinder
Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?
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When I met you I was completely blown away because the wind was ridiculous.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there