@jaxwax04

Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?

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@gaynorlsimpson

When I met you I was completely blown away because the wind was ridiculous.

@DirtMcTurd

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

@KKenuz

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

@Reverend_Scott

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

@Danny_McH2O

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

@TitansHomer

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

@CakeThrottle

I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there