Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*