Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.