Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
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Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.