has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
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Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”