has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
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“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
do u think theres a butter planet?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
No, I don’t think I will.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.