has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
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80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
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A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…