Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
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ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.