Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*