Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Butt weight. There’s more!

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

courtroom exchange of the day

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Go gym