Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
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Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
me hitting on a model
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”