Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
I think they could have phrased this better
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……