Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
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Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.