Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
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Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches