Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
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it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Boating season is upon us.
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I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.