Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
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The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.