has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
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[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
m’lady
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
time for some seasonal decor
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are