has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
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10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
aesthetic
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter