has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
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Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
…..pretty much.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
everyone has that one prude friend
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”