Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.