Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
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Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
mom gave me mine for free
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Where’s my employee discount too?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog