Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
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“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
.. do you even science?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Not😆🤣
Me driving through Toronto
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll