Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you