Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
the rocks need my help
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him