has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
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Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward