Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys