has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
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going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
U talkin 2 me?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Anime is real
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”