has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
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HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Seas the day!!!!
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.