Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
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I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
This checks out
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.