Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

Unexpected Judgment

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

What?

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

🍛

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.