Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
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[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field