Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
You Might Also Like
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
2022 be like
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.