Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
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asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Reminder:
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
somewhere, in an alternate universe
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics