Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
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Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
selena gomez
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons