Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
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That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
A male goth is called a broth.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”