Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
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I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
This is my pinned tweet
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”