Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

ㅤ

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph