Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

canadian assassins are called killergrams

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

🖕🏻👽

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me