Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
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Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
R.I.P.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.