Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
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Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.