Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks