Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

If snakes were wide

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

“Huge”.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

It’s the weekend y’all

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”