Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
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I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.