Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
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I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind