Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

every single time

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.