Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

it be like that

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.