Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

North and South

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

“Guy walks into a bar”

*and is eliminated from the limbo contest

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

me: dating is hard

me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]