Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
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Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”