Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

My good tweets are in my other pants.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

back to work

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses