Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

Oh deer

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.