Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners