Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

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I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.


I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they’re always wrong about everything.


If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”


Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.


While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.


ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.


Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF


This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?


My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.


my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn