@simoncholland

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

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@Uncul_Scientist

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

@thesulk

I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they’re always wrong about everything.

@funnybeachgirl

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

@YourMomsucksTho

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

@SladeWentworth

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

@ErrenMichaels

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

@Darlainky

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

@scottthetwat

My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.

@minkpinkustink

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn