Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.