Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.