has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
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Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.