has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
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Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up