Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

Seek kebab; not attention

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.