Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons