Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

rebranding

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?