* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Wait for it
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”