Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.