* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
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What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.