*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
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It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.