Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.